Friday Funnies

If you love our Friday Funnies as much as we do, see below for some of our sources of laughter:

Friday Funnies- Pub Jokes 17/07/2020

‘Poor old fool,’ thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink.

 

As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, ‘So how many have you caught today?’

 

The old man replied, ‘You’re the eighth.’

 

**

 

A man goes into a bar with his small pet newt called Tiny.

‘A pint for me and a half for Tiny, please,’ he says to the landlord.

The landlord asks, ‘why do you name him Tiny?’

The man replies, ‘because he’s my newt.’

 

**

 

A man says to his wife, ‘Grab your jacket I’m going to the pub.’

She asks, ‘oh, are you taking me with you?’

‘No, I’m turning the heating off.’

 

**

 

Comic Sans, Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a pub. The landlord yells, ‘get out! We don’t serve your type in here!’

 

**

 

Once a man walked into the pub with a hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins.

 

The barman asked him how he could help and the man bizarrely said, ‘Can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 Jack Daniels, 3 Gin and tonics and a shot of tequila.’

 

The barman starts to pour the drinks and put them on the bar one at a time. As he finished pouring all the drinks, the man downed them in order and finished on the shot of tequila.

 

He then looked upset and said to the barman, ‘I shouldn’t have drunk all that with what I’ve got.’

‘Why, what have you got?’

‘About £3.50’

 

**

 

Not saying my local pub is rough… but the first prize at the pub quiz is two weeks alibi.

 

**

 

People say my pub jokes are rubbish but back when I was serving drinks at the local pub, I could give a decent comedian a rum for his money.

 

**

 

The worst pub I’ve ever been to was called the Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.

 

**

 

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. He says, ‘two pints please. One for me and one for the road.’

 

**

 

I’ve done a survey on how people walk home from the pub. The results are staggering.

 

**

 

I’m selling a broken pub quiz machine online. No questions asked.

 

All jokes from UPJOKE.com 

International Kissing Day 

In light of both ‘International Kissing Day’ this week, and the easing of lockdown measures for many of us, we thought this week’s Friday Funnies created the best opportunity to share some cheesy chat up lines. Let us know if any of them work!

Do you like raisins? How do you feel about a date?

Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see.

If you were a transformer… you’d be Optimus Fine.

Do you believe in love at first sight-or should I walk by again?

I’m no photographer, but I can picture us together.

Is your name Google? Because you’re everything I’ve been searching for.

Is this the Hogwarts Express? Because it feels like you and I are headed somewhere magical.

We’re not socks- but I think we would make a great pair.

How much does a Polar Bear weigh? Enough to break the ice!

Do you like science- because I’ve got my ion you!

I know this is going to sound cheesy, but I think you’re the gratest.

If you were a triangle you’d be an acute one.

 

All jokes www.upjoke.com

 

National Joke Day

As Wednesday this week was ‘National Joke Day’, we thought there was no better time to re-share some of the team’s favourite Friday Funnies. Let us know which one gave you the biggest giggle!

I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day. I knew it would come back to haunt me.

Q. Why did the police arrest the turkey?
A. They suspected fowl play.

Q: What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel?
A: It’s ground breaking!

I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain.
But somebody had ripped the appendix out.

Q: What do you call a line of rabbits jumping backwards?
A: A receding hairline

Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?
So that when the ships come back into port they can Scandinavian!

Q. Why were the elephants asked to leave the beach?
A. They kept dropping their trunks.

A man drove past me in his car and threw a lump of cheddar at me. I thought to myself, ‘that’s mature!’

What do you call a sunburned librarian?
Well red.

Q: What did the duck say when she bought new lipstick?
A: Put it on my bill.

Q: Why did the tomato go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn’t find a date

National ‘Eat Your Vegetables Day’

This Wednesday marked ‘National Eat Your Vegetables Day’, which is used to reinforce the necessity of vegetables in a healthy lifestyle. At Metis, we believe that having fun is also one of life’s necessities, so we have dedicated this week’s funnies to all things healthy and green.

Don’t forget to check out our website for even more organic giggles!

Q: Why did the tomato go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn’t find a date

Q: Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?
A: Because he ran out of juice

My fruit and vegetable business has gone in to liquidation.
I now sell smoothies.

Q: What’s the fastest vegetable?
A: A runner bean

Q: What vegetable are a sailors worst enemy?
A: Leeks!

Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because he saw the salad dressing!

Q: Why do potatoes always argue?
A: Because they never see eye to eye.

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi!

We lost our dog at the grocery store while buying vegetables
If you see him, lettuce know.

Q: What was the snowman doing in the vegetable patch?
A: Picking his nose!

 

Donald Duck Day 

In honour of ‘Donald Duck Day’ this week, in which the Disney character celebrated his 86th birthday, we thought we would pay homage to Donald by dedicating our Friday Funnies to ducks. We hope these quack you up!

Q: What did the duck say when she bought new lipstick?
A: Put it on my bill.

Q: At what time do ducks wake up?
A: The quack of dawn

I was walking past a farm and a sign said, ‘Duck, Eggs’
I thought, ‘that’s an unnecessary comma.’ Then it hit me.

Our pet duck keeps biting everyone, so I bought a cheap muzzle for it.
Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

Q: Why don’t ducks ever have spare change?
A: They only carry bills.

I need to return my porcelain duck.
The thing is quacked.

Q: What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
A: Quacks in the pavement.

Q: What do you get if you mix ducks with fireworks?
A: Firequackers

Q: Which side of a duck has the nicest feathers?
A: The outside

Q: Why was the duck put into the basketball game?
A: To make a fowl shot!

 

‘National Sunscreen Protection Day’ 

In light of both ‘National Sunscreen Protection Day’ and that our Glasgow team are currently basking in the midst of the infamous five-day Scottish summer, this week’s funnies are focused on all things sunny. Don’t forget to have a look on our website for a few extra jokes to keep you entertained all weekend!

What do you call a sunburned librarian?
Well red.

I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach.
I phoned 911 but never got a response. I guess they put it on the back burner.

I didn’t get the job at the sunscreen lotion company.
But they said I can always reapply.

Q: What’s black, white and red all over?
A: A sunburned penguin.

I got sun burn on the beach yesterday whilst reading about trigonometry.
You should see my tan lines today!

The doctor told me to get in a bath tub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him ‘pasteurised?’ he said, ‘no, just up to your neck.’

Q. What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
A. The kind with extra melon in.

My friends stopped asking me to hangout after I got sunburn.
They said I kept flaking on them.

If you have a friend that can’t put sunscreen on their back and is self-conscious about it, don’t rub it in.

I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun… then it dawned on me.

 

Friday Funnies: Stilton Cheesy Jokes – 22/05/2020

A man drove past me in his car and threw a lump of cheddar at me. I thought to myself, ‘that’s mature!’

 

There was an explosion at a cheese factory in France… all that was left was de brie.

 

Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese in his plan to ‘make America grate again.’

 

My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it is literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

 

Q: Did you hear about the man who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?

A: His wife gave him a restraining order.

 

Q: Did you hear about the man who painted his wife?

A: He Double Gloucester!

 

Q: Why was the cheesemonger lopsided?

A: He only had one Stilton

 

Q: What type of music does a cheesemonger listen to?

A: R & Brie.

 

I just love all the cheese jokes here… But I bet there’s Stil-tons more!

 

I’ve got an addiction to Cheddar cheese. Its only mild though.

 

Q: Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?

A: It had grater plans.

 

Q: What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

A: Halloumi

 

I walked up to the cheese counter in the store last week. I interrupted him and he had to start all over again.

 

I was eating some cheese and crackers that were left over from Christmas yesterday. The cheese was nice but I couldn’t finish the crackers. I almost choked on a plastic moustache and some miniature dice.

 

Q: Would a smoked cheese grow on a tree?

A: No, but an Applewood.

 

I saw a toddler with a tiny Edam strapped to his bike. Must have been his baby bell.

Friday Funnies: May Day – 01/05/2020

Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships? So that when the ships come back into port they can Scandinavian!

***

Two people are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.

“What’s this?” asked the skipper, “It looks as if someone is drowning!”

“No,” explained his crew, “It’s just a little wave.”

***

Newbie: “Do yachts like this sink very often?”

Skipper: “No, usually it’s only once.”

***

“I went on a sailing course in Poole.”

“In Dorset?”

“Yes, I’d recommend it to anyone.”

***

“My wife has just sailed to the Caribbean.”

“Jamaica?”

“No, she wanted to.”

***

A doctor, a dentist and a lawyer were in a boat together when a wave came along and washed them all overboard.

Unable to get back into the boat, they decided two would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to shore for help.

They noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and land.

Without a word the lawyer took off! As he swam the sharks move aside.

The dentist yelled, “It’s a miracle!”

“No”, said the doctor, “That’s professional courtesy!”

***

A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!”

The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”

The sailor replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast too, if you had what I have.”

The bartender says, “Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?”

“Fifty cents!” replied the sailor.

 

Friday Funnies: Easter – 24/04/2020

One liners

What is Easter Bunny’s favourite kind of music? Hip-Hop!

How does the Easter Bunny stay fit? Hare-obics…

Where does the Easter Bunny go when he needs a new tail? To a re-tail store…

What do you call a line of rabbits jumping backwards? A receding hare-line…

What should you do to prepare for all the Easter treats? Eggs-ercise!

What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny…

Why was the Easter Bunny so sad? He was having a bad hare day…

What happened to the unruly Easter Bunny? He was egg-spelled…

Did you hear about the bunny who sat on a bumblebee? It’s a tender tail!

What’s an Easter egg’s least favourite day? Fry-day…

What do you call a mischievous egg? A practical yolk-er…

What happens if you tell a joke to an Easter egg? It cracks up…

Why did the Easter egg hide? It was a little chicken…

I was going to tell you a joke about an egg… but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be…

What did the Easter Bunny say to the carrot? It’s been nice gnawing you…

Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup…

How does the Easter Bunny keep his fur looking good? With a hare brush…

Did you hear about the lady whose house was infested with Easter eggs? She had to call an eggs-terminator…

Night of drinking

A man and his the Easter Bunny walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking.

They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.

Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for the Bunny.”

The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the Bunny falls over dead.

The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.

The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.”

To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a Bunny.”

 

Friday Funnies: Six Nations Rugby – 13/03/2020

A Scottish man walks into a bar…
There’s usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they’re still at the Rugby World Cup.

They’ve invented a new version of rugby where only people who wear glasses can play it.
It’s a non-contact sport.

There’s a fine line between success and failure in international rugby. It’s called Hadrian’s wall.

I had a go at rugby the other day. I thought I was doing pretty well but all everyone kept saying was, “Nice try,” – Such condescending *****.

What do you call an Irishman holding a bottle of champagne after the Rugby World Cup Final?
A Waiter.

What do you call 15 guys sitting around the TV watching the Rugby World Cup final?
The Argentina Rugby team.

What’s the difference between a teabag and the Italian rugby team?
A teabag stays in the cup longer…

My wife and I are on the verge of splitting up because of my obsession for rugby.
She’s decided to give it one last try.

Just found a carrier bag with an England rugby shirt in it in the rubbish bin.
Can’t believe someone would throw that away! Those bags are worth 5p!

How can you tell if a prop is walking, jogging, running or sprinting?
His expression.

This Halloween I’m being the Italian rugby team.
I’m not dressing up I’m just going out early.

Once you’ve seen one rugby joke, you’ve seen a maul.

Friday Funnies: World Book Day – 06/03/2020

What’s a Mexicans favourite book?
Tequila mocking bird

I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain, but somebody had ripped the appendix out.

I just read through an old phone book to pass the time.
Lots of characters, but not much of a plot.

I just read a book called “how to survive falling down a staircase”
It’s a step by step guide.

I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia
she leaned in close and whispered ‘they’re behind you’

I went into a book store to ask if they had any books about turtles.
The cashier asked, “hardback?”
I replied, “yeah, and little heads!”

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity…
It’s impossible to put down!

Why are writers always cold?
Because of all the drafts!

Why did Shakespeare always write in pen?
Pencils were confusing to him. 2B or not 2B?

What did the farmer say when upon finding a root vegetable in their reading material?
“Oh look – that’s a turnup for the books!”

I finally found a good book of maps… ATLASt!

A man walks into a library.  Man: “Can I have a burger and some fries?”
Librarian: “Sir, this is a library.” Man: “Right, sorry.” (whispers) “Can I have a burger and some fries?”

Friday Funnies: President’s Day – 21/02/2020

Presidential Quotes

Jimmy Carter on Presidential Self-Esteem

  • “My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now when people wave at me, they use all of their fingers!”

Ronald Reagan

  • “The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”

George W. Bush

  • “It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.”

Gerald Ford

  • “I am sure you have all noticed that the White House is getting a new coat of paint. The painter says it is leak-proof. I sure hope so.”

Barack Obama

  • “In my final year, my approval ratings keep going up. The last time I was this high, I was trying to decide on my major.”

Admission of Guilt

  • The teacher asked the pupil, “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
  • The pupil replied, “Because he still had the axe in his hand.”

What’s Michele Obama’s favourite veg?
Barackoli

What was the most popular dance in 1776?
Indepen-dance

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Nothing, it just can’t sit down.

Why did Barack Obama bulldoze the Rose Garden?
He wanted to rid the White House of any Bushes.

How do politicians sleep in the White House?
First, they lie to one side, then they lie to the other.

What do you call the president’s false teeth?
Presidentures.

What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington?
One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill.

What rock group has four guys who don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

How many senior presidential aides does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they’re meant to keep the president in the dark.

What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They were all born on holidays.

Where was the Declaration Of Independence signed?
At the bottom.

What would George Washington be if he were alive today?
Really, really, really old!

Why did Abe Lincoln grow a beard?
He wanted to look like that guy on the five-dollar bill.

Friday Funnies- Burns Night – 24/01/2020

In honour of the Bard’s birthday tomorrow, this week’s Friday Funnies has a distinctly Scottish flavour.  Enjoy!

  • My wife is a true patriotic Scot. She burns supper every night.
  • Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘Jackie — put your hat and coat on lassie.’  She replied, ‘Awe Iain that’s nice — are you taking me to the pub with you?’ ‘Nah, just switching the central heating off while I’m oot.’
  • MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, ‘Sure’n I’ll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?
  • Dougal was a typical Scot. His wife Janet had just died, and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice. He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the form, “Janet died.” The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and he could have five words. Dougal added three more words: “Janet died, Toyota for sale.”
  • At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, ‘I’ll give £150.’
  • Burns Night is one night a year where Scotsmen drink heavily in celebration of being Scottish. They should rename it Groundhog Day.
  • Scottish Church Announcement – The following was seen on a poster outside a Kirk in Arbroath: DRINK IS YOUR ENEMY. Adjacent to this was another poster which said: Love your enemy.

Donald’s gift

Donald McPherson, a very tight man, was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass that was broken, which he could buy for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit. In due time, he received a reply. ” Thanks for the vase.” it read. ” It was thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately.”

  1. How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
  2. Och! It’s no that dark!

A Scottish newspaper ad “Lost – a £5 note. Sentimental value.”

Big Shuggie’s Holiday

Big Shuggie, stuck at the airport on holiday, proceeds to get very drunk. After his tenth big swig at his bottle, a little Japanese man accidentally bumps into him, causing the bottle to smash to the floor. Big Shuggie is furious. He grabs the wee fellah, demanding recompense, and drags him out of the building.

Big Shuggie returns with bruises all over his face. Behind him is the Japanese man, who is smiling. “It is just a small Japanese thing,” he explains to the astonished crowd of waiting passengers. “We call it aikido.”

Despite having been tossed to the pavement, Big Shuggie’s ire builds up and once more he challenges the Japanese man to “go ootside.” They do, and within a couple of minutes, Shuggie is limping back into the building, with the smiling Japanese man behind him. “It is just a small Japanese thing,” he explains once more to the impressed crowd. “We call it karate.”

As the effects of his mauling at the hands of the wee man wears off, Big Shuggie once more bellows at the Japanese guy that he wants to take him outside and “batter him wan.” Sighing and shrugging his shoulders, the Japanese man accompanies Shuggie outside. A couple of minutes later the hushed crowd hears a thud, and Shuggie comes striding back into the airport building, beaming like a champion. “It wiz just a small Japanese thing,” he explains to them. “The bumper aff a Toyota!”

Robbie Burns Supper

The format for a Burns Supper ranges from formal gatherings of scholars, to uproarious rave-ups of drunkards. Most Burns Suppers fall in the middle ground, some literary tributes and a moderate amount of drinking.  The better Rabbie Burns suppers have a format of recitation of works by the Bard, followed by a traditional Scottish meal featuring a haggis, all washed down with Scotch whisky.

Boris Johnson and the Bard

Boris is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.

He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:

“Fair fa’ your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race! Aboon them a’ ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o’ a grace as lang’s my arm.”

Mr Johnson, being somewhat confused goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies:

“Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit.”

The third starts rattling off as follows:

“Wee sleekit, cow’rin, tim’rous beastie, O, what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!”

Mr Johnson turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward is this. A mental ward?

“No,” replies the doctor, “It’s the Burns unit.”

A Scottish Lady

An armed, hooded, robber burst into the Bank of Scotland in Princes Street, Edinburgh, and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Scottish customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the Scotsman without hesitation!

He then looked around the bank to see if anyone else had seen him. One of the tellers looked straight at him and the robber walked over and calmly shot him also. Everyone by now was very scared and looking down at the floor.

“Did anyone else see my face?” shouted the robber. There were a few moments of silence, then one elderly Scottish lady, looking down, tentatively raised her hand and said, “I think my husband might have caught a glimpse…”

Scottish Physical

A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes to the doctors’ for a physical before taking on a new job. When she returns her husband notices she’s delighted.

So he says; “What’s all this about?”

She says, “I’ve just been tae the doctors’ and he said I’ve got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old”.

To which her hubby fires back…”What about your 50 year old ass?”

“Your name never came up.” She replies

Finally, we’d like to take a spin to one of Burns favourite poems — Tae a Mouse — as follows

Ode to a fart

Oh sleekit horrible beestie, lurks in yer belly after the feastie. As ye sit doon wae yer kin, there starts to stir an enormous yin, the neeps and tatties an mushy peas, stert working like a gentle breeze. But soon the puddin wae the sonsie face, will hae ye blowin awe ower the place.

Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair, tae try and stop the leaking air shift yerself fae cheek tae cheek, and pray tae god it disnae reek.

But awe yer efforts gan a asunder, oot it comes like a clap o thunder ricochets aroon the room, michty me a sonic boom, WIS HIM! I shout with accusin glower, alas to late! He’s just keeled ower, Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare, a dinny feel welcome anymare.

Where e’re ye be ,let yer wind gan free, sounds like just the job for me.

Oh what a fuss at Rabbies party, a ower the sake o wan wee farty.

Friday Funnies- Trademark Fails – 17/01/2020

In light of the failed attempt by US trade mark lawyer Jared Fogelson to register “Sussex Royal” in order to “teach Harry and Meghan a lesson about IP”, in this week’s Friday Funnies, we take a look at other trade mark fails!

The New England Patriots owner applied to trademark “19-0”, a reference to the perfect season, in January 2008—weeks before they lost the Super Bowl to the New York Giants. Following this, the New York Post responded by filing an application for “18-1.”

Author of “Tarzan of the Apes” Edgar Rice Burroughs registered a trademark for the Tarzan yell. “The mark is a yell consisting of a series of approximately ten sounds, alternating between the chest and falsetto registers of the voice.”

Harley Davidson tried to trademark the sound of its engine. Though they applied to trademark the sound of a revving engine, it fell through when other manufactures complained that their engines sounded exactly the same.

Unicorn, a producer of darts, attempted to trademark “the smell of strong bitter beer” on their new range of darts in 1994. This proved a headache for intellectual property registration officials because most darts begin to smell like beer! The application was successful and remains one of only two product smells to be a UK registered trade mark.

Twitter lost the word “tweet” to a third-party developer. The trademarks office rejected Twitter’s application because of an earlier claim by a third-party developer. Twittad, a Twitter-based advertising service, trademarked the phrase “Let Your Ad Meet Tweets” in 2008.

In 2010, thinkgeek.com came up with an April Fools gag. They created the fictional product of ‘Canned Unicorn Meat’ along with a product page listing it for sale. In the description of the product, the following statement appeared: “Pate is passe. Unicorn – the new white meat.” Lawyers acting for the National Pork Board issued a 12 page cease and desist letter on the basis of their registered mark THE OTHER WHITE MEAT. Only to be somewhat nonplussed to discover that the product doesn’t exist in reality at all. In one sense it is a pity that there wasn’t a hearing on this topic. It would be funny to hear estimates of how the availability of unicorn meat impacted the sales of pork throughout the US.

Way back in 2004, Donald Trump tried to trade mark the phrase “You’re Fired” following the huge popularity of his hit show “The Apprentice”. The USPTO though, saw no merit in the application and denied granting trademark for the same, because as inviting as the catchphrase may be, it did not identify specific goods or services, a brand as such.

French-based company Eden Sarl sought to trademark the fresh smell of strawberries in 2005 so they could have sole usage of the smell in soaps, face creams, stationery, leather goods, and clothing. However, on the basis that strawberries don’t have just one scent—considering various varieties and levels of ripeness—the company was denied by the European Union’s trademark agency, as well as its highest court.

The smiley face has been around since the 70s, but that didn’t stop Walmart from trying to trademark it in 2006. The courts, however, ruled that the smiley face is public domain.

The “devil-horns” hand gesture is a universal symbol of rock ‘n’ roll music. But in 2017, Kiss frontman Gene Simmons decided he wanted the iconic gesture all to himself. In the least rock ‘n’ roll move of all time, he filed an application with the USPTO in 2017, claiming he first popularized the symbol during the band’s tour in 1974. Only two weeks after filing, and after much criticism, Forbes reported that Simmons had abandoned his claim.

Friday Funnies- Best of the last decade – 10/01/2020

Q: What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel?
A: It is ground breaking! (World Intellectual Property Day 27/4/18)

Q: Who’s the coolest person in a hospital?
A: The ultrasound guy! (National Pharmacists Day 12/01/18)

Q What happened after an explosion in a French cheese factory?

A: All that was left was de brie. (Guy Fawkes Night 03/11/2017)

Q: What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order at the bar?
A: A beer please, and one for the road. (Oktoberfest, 24th October 2014) 

Q: What did the sea say to the Little Mermaid?
A: Nothing, it just waved. (Fairy Tales 06/10/17)

Q: Did you hear the story about the germ?
A: Never mind. I don’t want it spread all over. (Health 31/3/2017)

Q: What time does Andy Murray go to bed?
A: Tennish. (Tennis 10/2/2017) 

Q: Why is money called dough?
A. Because we all knead it.(Finance 23/02/18)

Q: Why do melons have to get married in churches?
A: Because they cantaloupe! (Valentines Day- 16/2/2018)

Q:Why does the Leaning Tower of Pisa lean?
A: Because it’s italic. (Architecture 15/12/2017)

Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!  (Thanksgiving, 24/11/2017)

Customer: I’d like to return a defective boomerang.
Shopkeeper: Ok. Where is it?
Customer: I have no idea. (Shopping, 23/09/2016)

Things the bookies thought was more likely than Leicester City winning the league in 2016 (05/08/2016)

Leicester City were 5,000/1 to win the Premier League last August.  Fast forward less than nine months later and the Foxes are Premier League champions for the first time in their 132-year history (with 2 games in hand).

Simon Cowell (X Factor Judge) becoming Prime Minister 500/1

Loch Ness monster to be discovered 500/1

Kim Kardashian for US President 2000/1

Elvis being alive 2000/1

“I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.” Carol Leifer (Sporting Funnies, 21st Nov 2014)

My girlfriend hates it that I play on my iPhone all the time. She’s a bit of an Angry Bird. (Apple Jokes, 7th September 2012)

“I don’t have a tissue with me … just use your sleeve” (Things your mum would never say, 16th March 2012)

“Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says” (Embarrassing but real headlines, 11/11/2011)

The Natural History Museum’s prize centre-piece ‘Dippy’ the Diplodocus dinosaur came face-to-face with its fiercest adversary in 60 million years, the London City Banker. A few drinks into their Xmas party the man leapt from his table and started to climb the dinosaur.  A rumoured thirty thousand pounds and a sacking later, Dippy now has an artificial rib and a do not touch sign. (Christmas Party Do’s and Don’ts, 06/12/2019)

What’s a light-year? The same as a regular year with less calories. (Space & Science 24th May 2018)

Q: What do you get when you cross Darth Vader and a prehistoric animal?
A: Lightsabre-tooth tiger! (Extinction 18/5/18)

Q: What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear. (Animal Funnies, 5th September 2014)

Friday Funnies- Office Christmas Party do’s and don’ts (20/12/2019)

Do: Use the opportunity to open up to your co-workers and get to know them on a more personal level.

Don’t: Cry, especially if you’re wearing mascara…  That’s also not a good look.

 

Do: Stay the distance! No one likes a one-and-done effort.

Don’t: Stay so long you fall asleep at the table: that’s not a good look.

 

Do: Say thank you to your boss for their generosity in paying the drinks bill.

Don’t: Use your credit card to buy round after round of champagne: your bank balance won’t thank you…

 

Do: Bust a move! Christmas songs are bangers.

Don’t: Do so on the dinner table. It’s not a stage, no matter what your drunk self might think.

 

Do: Share some funny stories from the office.

Don’t: Be a work-obsessed bore… You never know who’s standing behind you.

 

Do: Throw down.

Don’t: Throw up.

 

Do: Try to get a good night’s rest afterwards.

Don’t: Pass out under your desk. Trust me: it’s not as comfy as it looks.

 

Do: get into the swing of things on the dancefloor

Don’t: Try out new dance moves that you think are ‘cool’ . After a few drinks you wouldn’t be the first to feel like showing off your moves, you might even feel like your colleagues are loving your rendition of MJs Thriller. But we’re warning you, that funny video you think will go down a storm in the office, could go viral online- beware!

 

Do: Dress for the occasion. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you haven’t matched the dress code. Try to ask your colleagues what they’re wearing

Don’t: wear the fake beard and sexy Santa costume

 

Do: keep the music playing all night – it helps to fill those sometimes awkward silences

Don’t: Linger by the DJ and request songs every few minutes. We all love a listen to Elton John’s Step into Christmas, but maybe not for the fourth time in one night.

 

Do: Get to know your colleagues a bit better – especially those you don’t know so well!

Don’t: Use the Christmas Party as an excuse to lamp Dave from accounts: it’s still illegal.

Merry Christmas everybody!

Friday Funnies- Office Christmas Party disasters (6/12/2019)

One in 10 people know someone who’s been disciplined for misbehaving at the office Christmas party. With our own Metis Christmas party imminent, we thought we would share some office party horror stories…

  • The Natural History Museum’s prize centre-piece ‘Dippy’ the Diplodocus dinosaur came face-to-face with its fiercest adversary in 60 million years, the London City Banker. A few drinks into their Xmas party the man leapt from his table and started to climb the dinosaur.  A rumoured thirty thousand pounds and a sacking later, Dippy now has an artificial rib and a do not touch sign. https://www.londonlaunch.com/be-inspired/10-funniest-christmas-party-disasters/
  • The staff of a Chester funeral home thought it would be a good idea to cavort around the crematorium after their Xmas party before photographing themselves perfuming the infamous ‘Full Monty’ against a hearse. https://www.jobsite.co.uk/worklife/great-christmas-party-mistakes-13358/
  • When Spurs manager Harry Redknapp banned players from having a Christmas party in 2009, he confidently declared they would “never take the liberty” of holding one without his permission. Unknown to Harry, they hired a private jet to go for an all-day Christmas boozing session in Dublin, followed by a night out clubbing. The pictures surfaced, and Harry’s mood was not improved as they lost at home to Wolves three days later. Each player was fined a reported £20,000 each! https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/christmas-parties-10-times-office-6980353
  • An American manager paid two colleagues to prank the office Christmas party dressed as burglars. Unfortunately, the flawless plan went wrong when they showed up drunk and carrying real shotguns, which they proceeded to threaten people with. A good time was not had by all. https://www.jobsite.co.uk/worklife/great-christmas-party-mistakes-13358/
  • One man went to a Christmas party run by a customer in the Netherlands. After feeling a bit ‘under the weather’ on his train home, he woke up the next morning in Lille, not the next stop but the next country! http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/talking_point/1697180.stm
  • Our company party in the UK once got out of hand in a Greek restaurant. It ended with the HR manager hitting the MD over the head with a plate, not realising that you are supposed to use specially supplied breakable plates for this – he had a real headache the next day….
    Andy, South Africa http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/talking_point/1697180.stm

 

Friday Funnies- Bizarre Fines (29/11/19)

This week’s funnies are dedicated to fines (punishments) following the leak from Chelsea FC where players are fined $20,000 for being late for training compared to league of Ireland’s fine list which includes $5 for urinating in shower and $5 for cleaning your football boots in the shower!

Here are some more bizarre fines…

  • £200 for firing a cannon- Think twice before firing your cannon. The Metropolitan Police Act 1989 states that anyone disturbing the peace by discharging a cannon within 300 yards of ‘any dwelling house’ shall be fined £200. LoveMoney.com
  • Up to £1,000 for shaking your doormat at the wrong time. You’re allowed to shake your door mat up until 8am, but after that time, you might be punished with a fine of up to £1,000 and even a prison sentence of 14 days, according to the Town Police Clauses Act of 1847. LoveMoney.com
  • £647 for having a dirty car. In the UAE, despite the frequent sandstorms, dirty cars as seen as ‘disfiguring the city image and public health’. As a result, they are routinely towed away, with owners fined 3,000 dirhams (£647). CultureTrip
  • £500 for carrying a ladder or plank home. Section 54 of the Metropolitan Police Act 1839 makes it an offence to ‘roll or carry any cask, tub, ladder, plank or pole, upon any footway’ Telegraph
  • $2,000 or 3 months of jail time for being nude in your own home. If a neighbour ‘observes you for 3 hours’ in the nude within your own home, you’re technically committing a crime, according to the Singapore Penal Code. Let’s hope there’s no nosey neighbours out there! AsiaOne.com
  • Up to $10,000 or 3 years of jail time for using someone else’s Wi-Fi. In Singapore, using someone’s private Wi-Fi network without their permission is considered an act of hacking! AsiaOne.com
  • Kidderminster Harriers players are fined £20 for not bringing in a cake on their birthdays! ExpressandStar.com
  • $588 for sitting down in Venice. Despite the aching legs of tourists in the Italian sun, the local government is trying to keep things organised and hassle-free by charging anyone who sits down in the street. Inspiration.rehlat.com
  • $1283 for removing pebbles from beaches in Cornwall. We know a lot of people like to take a momento from their latest beach holiday- but not in Cornwall. Taking stones from Crackington Haven leaves the beach open to erosion, encouraging the local government to fine anyone taking pebbles from the beaches. Inspiration.rehlat.com
  • $3,700 for wearing camouflage clothes in the Caribbean. Don’t pack your camo shorts for this holiday. Any non-military personnel caught in camouflage clothing or gear in many parts of the Caribbean can be fined about $3,700 or jailed for a year. Inspiration.rehlat.com

 

Friday Funnies- Thanksgiving (22/11/2019)

In honour of thanksgiving celebrations in the USA next week, when our friends across the ocean get a head start on us Brits in enjoying what is typically a Christmas dinner in the UK, our funnies are dedicated to turkey and thanksgiving. Thanksgiving Day is a holiday celebrated by Americans on the last Thursday of November. It celebrates the story of the Pilgrim’s meal with the Native Americans and is typically a day spent with loved ones and friends giving thanks. These days the famous thanks giving day dinner and NFL primetime football go hand in hand. The meal (not the football) usually includes turkey, mashed potatoes, dressing, cranberry sauce, corn, sweet potatoes, and of course pumpkin pies. Enjoy!

  • Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play. GoodHousekeeping.com
  • Why did the cranberries turn red? Because they saw the turkey dressing! Boyslife.com
  • What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him! Jokes4Us.com
  • Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he’s already stuffed! Jokes4Us.com
  • How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey? Only one, but you really have to squeeze them in. laffgaff.com
  • Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner? He lost track of thyme. laffgaff.com
  • Why did the Turkey cross the road twice? To prove he wasn’t a chicken. laffgaff.com

Friday Funnies- Guinness World Record Day (8/11/2019)

As tomorrow marks the annual Guinness World Records Day (there really is a day for everything!) this week’s funnies take the form of the weirdest and most wonderful Guinness World Records, as chosen by Metis:

  • Most canned drinks opened by a parrot in one minute– Zac the Macaw opened 35 cans in one minute in California, 2012. GoodHousekeeping.com
  • Largest collection of rubber ducks– Charlotte Lee (USA) has 5.631 different rubber ducks as of April 2011 GoodHousekeeping.com
  • Most Big Macs consumed in a Lifetime– US resident Donald A. Gorske consumed his 26,000th McDonald’s Big Mac on October 11, 2012- after 40 years of eating Big Macs on a daily basis. GoodHousekeeping.com
  • Largest Human Mattress Dominoes- 2,019 people, Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, 6 Aug 2019 GoodHouseKeeping.com
  • Largest whoppee cushion- 62 meters 2017, USA GuinnessWorldRecords.com
  • Most dice balanced on a cat’s paw- Bibi, a cat in Malaysia, managed to balance 9 dice on his paw. HuffingtonPost
  • Most skips by a dog and person in 1 minute on a single rope- Jessica and her human, Rachel, managed to skip rope 59 times together . HuffingtonPost
  • Oldest DJ- SumiRock, an 83 year old woman in Tokyo, still DJs at clubs at least once a month. . HuffingtonPost
  • Largest golf club- Denmark’s Karsten Maas largest ‘usable’ golf club is 14 feet 5 inches long. And it works too! The enormous club managed to drive a ball 542 feet, 10.6 inches. . HuffingtonPost
  • Most people eating breakfast in bed- this one isn’t too challenging. In East Shanghai, 388 people ate breakfast in bed. LOLWhat.com
  • Most shuttlecocks caught with chopsticks in one minute- 52 shuttlecocks were caught in 1 minute by Koji Kato and Aritaka Nishimura in Japan GuinnessWorldRecords.com
  • Most mustard drank from a tube in 30 seconds- 416g achieved by Andre Ortolf in Germany in 2015. Used three tubes of mustard in his attempt. today.com

 

Friday Funnies- Halloween Special (1/11/2019)

Having experienced Halloween in the US which is a crazy day of activities, dressing up, guising and parties, my head is just a little sore this morning! Here are some Halloween themed Friday Funnies to tickle your funny bone…

  • Why are ghosts such bad liars? You can see right through them. ScaryMommy.com
  • I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day. I knew it would come back to haunt me. readersdigest.com
  • What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed. inews.com
  • Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field. ScaryMommy.com
  • What happened to the cannibal who was late to dinner? They gave him the cold shoulder. distractify.com
  • Why don’t angry witches ride their brooms? They’re scared of flying off the handle. The Scotsman
  • What do you call a ghost on the ceiling? High spirited. TheSimpleParent.com
  • When is it bad luck to see a black cat? When you are a mouse. ScaryMommy.com
  • Why didn’t the monster eat the crazy person? He was allergic to nuts. ScaryMommy.com

 

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