Friday Funnies

If you love our Friday Funnies as much as we do, see below for some of our sources of laughter:

Friday Funnies- Office Christmas Party disasters (6/12/2019)

One in 10 people know someone who’s been disciplined for misbehaving at the office Christmas party. With our own Metis Christmas party imminent, we thought we would share some office party horror stories…

  • The Natural History Museum’s prize centre-piece ‘Dippy’ the Diplodocus dinosaur came face-to-face with its fiercest adversary in 60 million years, the London City Banker. A few drinks into their Xmas party the man leapt from his table and started to climb the dinosaur.  A rumoured thirty thousand pounds and a sacking later, Dippy now has an artificial rib and a do not touch sign. https://www.londonlaunch.com/be-inspired/10-funniest-christmas-party-disasters/
  • The staff of a Chester funeral home thought it would be a good idea to cavort around the crematorium after their Xmas party before photographing themselves perfuming the infamous ‘Full Monty’ against a hearse. https://www.jobsite.co.uk/worklife/great-christmas-party-mistakes-13358/
  • When Spurs manager Harry Redknapp banned players from having a Christmas party in 2009, he confidently declared they would “never take the liberty” of holding one without his permission. Unknown to Harry, they hired a private jet to go for an all-day Christmas boozing session in Dublin, followed by a night out clubbing. The pictures surfaced, and Harry’s mood was not improved as they lost at home to Wolves three days later. Each player was fined a reported £20,000 each! https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/christmas-parties-10-times-office-6980353
  • An American manager paid two colleagues to prank the office Christmas party dressed as burglars. Unfortunately, the flawless plan went wrong when they showed up drunk and carrying real shotguns, which they proceeded to threaten people with. A good time was not had by all. https://www.jobsite.co.uk/worklife/great-christmas-party-mistakes-13358/
  • One man went to a Christmas party run by a customer in the Netherlands. After feeling a bit ‘under the weather’ on his train home, he woke up the next morning in Lille, not the next stop but the next country! http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/talking_point/1697180.stm
  • Our company party in the UK once got out of hand in a Greek restaurant. It ended with the HR manager hitting the MD over the head with a plate, not realising that you are supposed to use specially supplied breakable plates for this – he had a real headache the next day….
    Andy, South Africa http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/talking_point/1697180.stm

 

Friday Funnies- Bizarre Fines (29/11/19)

This week’s funnies are dedicated to fines (punishments) following the leak from Chelsea FC where players are fined $20,000 for being late for training compared to league of Ireland’s fine list which includes $5 for urinating in shower and $5 for cleaning your football boots in the shower!

Here are some more bizarre fines…

  • £200 for firing a cannon- Think twice before firing your cannon. The Metropolitan Police Act 1989 states that anyone disturbing the peace by discharging a cannon within 300 yards of ‘any dwelling house’ shall be fined £200. LoveMoney.com
  • Up to £1,000 for shaking your doormat at the wrong time. You’re allowed to shake your door mat up until 8am, but after that time, you might be punished with a fine of up to £1,000 and even a prison sentence of 14 days, according to the Town Police Clauses Act of 1847. LoveMoney.com
  • £647 for having a dirty car. In the UAE, despite the frequent sandstorms, dirty cars as seen as ‘disfiguring the city image and public health’. As a result, they are routinely towed away, with owners fined 3,000 dirhams (£647). CultureTrip
  • £500 for carrying a ladder or plank home. Section 54 of the Metropolitan Police Act 1839 makes it an offence to ‘roll or carry any cask, tub, ladder, plank or pole, upon any footway’ Telegraph
  • $2,000 or 3 months of jail time for being nude in your own home. If a neighbour ‘observes you for 3 hours’ in the nude within your own home, you’re technically committing a crime, according to the Singapore Penal Code. Let’s hope there’s no nosey neighbours out there! AsiaOne.com
  • Up to $10,000 or 3 years of jail time for using someone else’s Wi-Fi. In Singapore, using someone’s private Wi-Fi network without their permission is considered an act of hacking! AsiaOne.com
  • Kidderminster Harriers players are fined £20 for not bringing in a cake on their birthdays! ExpressandStar.com
  • $588 for sitting down in Venice. Despite the aching legs of tourists in the Italian sun, the local government is trying to keep things organised and hassle-free by charging anyone who sits down in the street. Inspiration.rehlat.com
  • $1283 for removing pebbles from beaches in Cornwall. We know a lot of people like to take a momento from their latest beach holiday- but not in Cornwall. Taking stones from Crackington Haven leaves the beach open to erosion, encouraging the local government to fine anyone taking pebbles from the beaches. Inspiration.rehlat.com
  • $3,700 for wearing camouflage clothes in the Caribbean. Don’t pack your camo shorts for this holiday. Any non-military personnel caught in camouflage clothing or gear in many parts of the Caribbean can be fined about $3,700 or jailed for a year. Inspiration.rehlat.com

 

Friday Funnies- Thanksgiving (22/11/2019)

In honour of thanksgiving celebrations in the USA next week, when our friends across the ocean get a head start on us Brits in enjoying what is typically a Christmas dinner in the UK, our funnies are dedicated to turkey and thanksgiving. Thanksgiving Day is a holiday celebrated by Americans on the last Thursday of November. It celebrates the story of the Pilgrim’s meal with the Native Americans and is typically a day spent with loved ones and friends giving thanks. These days the famous thanks giving day dinner and NFL primetime football go hand in hand. The meal (not the football) usually includes turkey, mashed potatoes, dressing, cranberry sauce, corn, sweet potatoes, and of course pumpkin pies. Enjoy!

  • Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play. GoodHousekeeping.com
  • Why did the cranberries turn red? Because they saw the turkey dressing! Boyslife.com
  • What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him! Jokes4Us.com
  • Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he’s already stuffed! Jokes4Us.com
  • How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey? Only one, but you really have to squeeze them in. laffgaff.com
  • Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner? He lost track of thyme. laffgaff.com
  • Why did the Turkey cross the road twice? To prove he wasn’t a chicken. laffgaff.com

Friday Funnies- Guinness World Record Day (8/11/2019)

As tomorrow marks the annual Guinness World Records Day (there really is a day for everything!) this week’s funnies take the form of the weirdest and most wonderful Guinness World Records, as chosen by Metis:

  • Most canned drinks opened by a parrot in one minute– Zac the Macaw opened 35 cans in one minute in California, 2012. GoodHousekeeping.com
  • Largest collection of rubber ducks– Charlotte Lee (USA) has 5.631 different rubber ducks as of April 2011 GoodHousekeeping.com
  • Most Big Macs consumed in a Lifetime– US resident Donald A. Gorske consumed his 26,000th McDonald’s Big Mac on October 11, 2012- after 40 years of eating Big Macs on a daily basis. GoodHousekeeping.com
  • Largest Human Mattress Dominoes- 2,019 people, Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, 6 Aug 2019 GoodHouseKeeping.com
  • Largest whoppee cushion- 62 meters 2017, USA GuinnessWorldRecords.com
  • Most dice balanced on a cat’s paw- Bibi, a cat in Malaysia, managed to balance 9 dice on his paw. HuffingtonPost
  • Most skips by a dog and person in 1 minute on a single rope- Jessica and her human, Rachel, managed to skip rope 59 times together . HuffingtonPost
  • Oldest DJ- SumiRock, an 83 year old woman in Tokyo, still DJs at clubs at least once a month. . HuffingtonPost
  • Largest golf club- Denmark’s Karsten Maas largest ‘usable’ golf club is 14 feet 5 inches long. And it works too! The enormous club managed to drive a ball 542 feet, 10.6 inches. . HuffingtonPost
  • Most people eating breakfast in bed- this one isn’t too challenging. In East Shanghai, 388 people ate breakfast in bed. LOLWhat.com
  • Most shuttlecocks caught with chopsticks in one minute- 52 shuttlecocks were caught in 1 minute by Koji Kato and Aritaka Nishimura in Japan GuinnessWorldRecords.com
  • Most mustard drank from a tube in 30 seconds- 416g achieved by Andre Ortolf in Germany in 2015. Used three tubes of mustard in his attempt. today.com

 

Friday Funnies- Halloween Special (1/11/2019)

Having experienced Halloween in the US which is a crazy day of activities, dressing up, guising and parties, my head is just a little sore this morning! Here are some Halloween themed Friday Funnies to tickle your funny bone…

  • Why are ghosts such bad liars? You can see right through them. ScaryMommy.com
  • I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day. I knew it would come back to haunt me. readersdigest.com
  • What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed. inews.com
  • Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field. ScaryMommy.com
  • What happened to the cannibal who was late to dinner? They gave him the cold shoulder. distractify.com
  • Why don’t angry witches ride their brooms? They’re scared of flying off the handle. The Scotsman
  • What do you call a ghost on the ceiling? High spirited. TheSimpleParent.com
  • When is it bad luck to see a black cat? When you are a mouse. ScaryMommy.com
  • Why didn’t the monster eat the crazy person? He was allergic to nuts. ScaryMommy.com

 

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